sleep paralysis
You never forget your first love and you never forget your first paralysis.
My first sleep paralysis began with a sighting at the corner of my room by the door that seemed like my father. I waved at him, calling him, and asking him, "what are you doing here?". I try to peer through the darkness and the shadow of his figure. When it occurred to me that this was not my father, the figure transformed to an unearthly being, a sort of slender man, rushing towards me. I couldn't move no matter how much I tried. I let out tears, a voice but nobody could save me. I began to pray and at that moment, I realized my best defense is by closing my eyes.
When I woke up, it was all I could think about it for the rest of the day, at school and at home. When night came and it was time for me to go to bed, for the first time I feared sleeping. It was something you can't easily recover from. My dilemma was either to sleep or not but I needed energy to go through the next day. I swallowed my misfortune and went to bed.
The sleep demon comes irregularly. I could never figure out his pattern. Over the course of many nights, it would continue to haunt me. The cycle is always: my body can't move, the demon strikes, I close my eyes and focus on my pillow, hoping I can scratch the bedsheet to wake me up.
Over time as if it knew I could stop it by closing my eyes, it evolved to an auditory and eyesight terror. An absolute fuckery trying to play with my senses when I'm supposed to not be able to hear anything. It'd let out a loud screeching noise, something of a demon while I see flashes of white noise like a broken TV.
It wanted me to open my eyes. It's telling me I cannot escape and so I must meet him.
I persisted. I'd rather close my eyes than see the demon. And it'd screech louder than ever. Or return again and again in the same night.
Then one day, the demon would stop visiting regularly. Once in a few months turned to once in a blue moon. As if the demon found himself jobless with him no longer able to terror me.
My last, memorable paralysis happened on the first night of my school field trip. I saw my roommate's shadow awake at night from the bed. Weirdly, the lamps haven't turned off but I knew it had to be turned off already. I tried asking him why he hasn't gotten to bed. He didn't respond. Before I knew it, I woke up to a loud screeching noise and the same visual terror. It has followed me wherever I go.
The end of his visit is not a story of victory. It doesn't feel like one. He doesn't feel like an antagonist to me, just an annoying, recurring character that appeared in my sleep. It is not a demon despite bearing the name sleep demon. A demon is cunning, ever so rarely tries to appear terrifying. That is what I feel.
It makes me wonder what message lies underneath in the demon. He's never touched me; in fact his hands (if it is) has always hovered over my body. Maybe I should've opened my eyes again.
There's something it's trying to say to me, I think. Or am I trying to create meaning over what cannot be explained?
In fact, the material world is closer to the metaphysical than you might think.