not studying is me rebelling pt.2
Why is that I cried unbearably when I flunked pretty much of my classes before my mum could even show her slightest bit of disappointment or anger?
People laughed at me. I'm taking this too seriously they say. It's not that serious they added. I still remember the face of my religion teacher, calming me down in front of my mother. This happened in elementary school.
Their responses were futile.
In the little head of mine, it seemed like a catastrophe towards my future.
Over the course of the academic year, I worked myself to an unhealthy obsession. I slept at midnight, had random nosebleeds during the middle of PE and probably high levels of stress, and as a result I possessed a foul anger. When I look back, it saddens me that no one actually stopped me from overworking.
This was the price I had to pay for, I felt. My academic results rose dramatically, I was well respected and earned plenty of friends, and I was riding high on this amazing streak. Then one day, I read an ominous text from a peer-to-peer feedback that lists each of our strengths and weaknesses going along the lines of "Don't expect too much from yourself".
I shook my head at the time, thinking what do they even know about me? Where did they get the audacity? It damaged my inflated ego.
Anyways, graduating elementary school very much underwhelmed me. So much for a life-defining moment. I moved schools and I, who never learned how to keep in touch, lost those friends.
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On a positive note, the experience did provide me a valuable mindset towards getting things done. I gained confidence on how to get shit done when it really mattered. But I learned later on that simply relying on anger or hatred as a fuel for academics was unsustainable and wasn't going to work anymore. When a card is dealt it is no longer usable.
Most importantly, I learned how to compromise academics in consideration of my physical health. Just recalling the nosebleeds and dizziness I had to endure during those days is enough to repel me from ever overworking anymore.
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As a result, I placed myself in a dilemma where I worked hard enough to get as far as I could be but it's too late to back off now (fall off) but falling off now means greater force needs to be exerted to return.
This is where I think I say a saying that goes "No matter what it is, you have to work" or something like that.
I guess this is why I've always been allured by the slackers, truants, or lazy people. In my deepest desire, I want to be a slacker. If anything, I used to be a slacker. Prior to crying-over-my-report-cards, never did I once thought about getting As or awards. Maybe once or twice but never as an obsession.
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Don't let anyone ever fool you to thinking working should follow certain rotes, hours, or this and that. They may work for others but not you. As long as you can achieve your goals, I think it's a win-win. But then again there's always an invisible pressure lurking voicing things like 'this grade X is low even for you' or 'I think I can you do better than that'.
It's a love and hate relationship. Sometimes we're in an agreement. Sometimes we aren't. We aren't mutuals though.