aromantic period
The classic Valentine's Day story; I profess her my love with a sincere gift. She thinks of how to reply. I'm nervous. Then she rejects me. And you don't know what to feel.
Except that I felt relieved. Hours, minutes, and seconds before I professed my love-what is a facade, a heavy burden laid on me, I was not ready at all for a commitment. In a rather narcissistic way of thinking, if she (by any chance) liked me back, I would instead be chained. I was a fraud and in no way anyone deserves this kind of treatment.
In the hallway, she walked ahead of me, (seemingly) pacing quickly as possible to prevent the awkwardness from it all. I see her shining so brightly from the window while I am eclipsed in the shadows. What must I do to prevent this from happening again?
After enough pondering, I figured (if it is so simple) the key to my distaste towards commitment1 is someone I feel worthy of letting my hands to be guided to wherever it is. To stick when things get tough or whatever it is. Before I start being plagued of judgements from family (especially family), people, God, and what it means of the future.
This criterion, I feel, is the biggest factor to begin a relationship (after beauty, personality, and all of it). But even then a large part of me is very much disinterested in a relationship.
I shook my head when a group of friends roared a big deal about me thanking a random girl for helping me with my chair (I just wanted to thank her genuinely lol). When she turned out to be my groupmate, they added it was fate. The worst part of it all, I played along with it. It's harder to explain my disinterest than just nodding along with them in which they're probably just teasing anyways.
So until then, the aromantic period commences.
I hope I do not give an impression of infidelity. No one likes it. I just mean in a sense of avoiding a relationship altogether.↩